Low calorie chocolate mousse/pudding with coconut milk and other shit

Chocolate mousse... one of the things in life you should never skimp on, right? WRONG. If you fat, you need to cut down the calories. Let's talk about my hips for a minute. I wear mom jeans to hold those bad boys in. They are obscene. They have stretch marks. THEY MUST BE TAMED. And that will never happen with me eating fried chicken and cherry cobbler. I'm in the south, you can't fucking blame me. I'm ravenous if someone even mentions lard or chocolate covered (insert food item here). Steak and potatoes? You can't marry a man who lives in the south without knowing how to cook this dish. IT'S LIFE. It's the right of every God fearing southerner to eat heaping spoonfuls of crap and fear the Lord.

So this is my first food post! I decided last night to make chocolate pudding for Little Bit and Doc. Those two will tear that stuff up like a fat kid on a cupcake on a bender. I made it and worried about all the processed crap in it and the calories I myself was ingesting by licking the spoon (and the beaters... and eating my own cup... and stealing bites off Doc's and acting like the baby ate it). So I remembered that I Pinned something about coconut milk and cocoa powder that was supposed to rock everyone's socks off. Decided to make it. Check this shit...

Recipe referenced: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2012/01/16/chocolate-frosting-shots/

So here's what it is:
1 can of coconut milk put in the fridge overnight. I saw no difference in it but they say it poofs that fucker up overnight. Whatever. Saw it not, did I.
1/4 cup and 1 tablespoon cocoa.
Sweetener. I used some real sugar, powdered sugar, and truvia. I cheated on the first two. I just didn't want it to taste like asshole. But I didn't use much of the first two and used 4 packets of truvia.
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract. I'll put a full teaspoon in next time, just to be a badass.

Whip it all up. Or, if you had technical difficulties like me and your mixer is so fucking old (and once belonged to your step-mama 8 years ago), use a whisk. I've really enjoyed having a mixer, it makes me feel more productive, like the shit I'm making is a little step above all the crap I made with a whisk. But there's something about using a whisk. It's like you put more effort in. But it also makes you want to not cook anymore... Cause it just takes longer and it makes you work. Your arm hurts. It's just unhappy. Fuck it.

Below are the pictures. You cans see a) my vodka b) my mixer breaking down and leaving us (I think it might have gotten drunk off my hooch) and c) the process of making this shit. It wasn't bad. It wasn't Jell-O material, but it was pretty fucking mediocre. I'd make it again. And again. And if I could find a whipped cream spray can, I'd stick it in that and go to town and put it on someone hot. Make it. Judge for yourself, but its not bad. Not like you'd think.
Also, I put it in a repurposed salsa jar. The paper is still on it cause I couldn't get it off, I didn't buy any Goo Gone and didn't want to make the Goo Gone I saw on Pinterest. So it's still there all unpretty in my fridge, but hey, it holds chocolate. Better than what it was doing...

Well, it took a little shoving, but here I am back again. And I have some new profoundness to share with you... LAUNDRY DETERGENT!! A housewife's wet dream, something that costs under $20 and lasts 2 years. Fucking fantastic, right? Yeah dude. It's that badass. So let me start by referencing the Duggars. You know them, the 19 Kids and Counting people. I love them. You wouldn't ever know it by the way I talk, but I do. They're damn fine people who don't believe in birth control and I can't be the only one waiting for one of the kids to go rogue and become a drunken tattoo artist, right? Anyhow. They're good people. I am a Christian. Christians can swear too. God and I have talked about it. I'm super nice to old people and babies. That was the deal.
ANYHOW, if you have 1,874 children, you're bound to have to make some budget cuts. This was one of theirs... homemade laundry detergent that works in HE washers! THANK THE LORD! The hardest part of the whole thing is grating the soap. Really. Okay, that and like every month having to refill the damn bottle with nasty gunky looking soap. It works. Shut up.

Here is the "recipe" referenced: http://www.duggarfamily.com/content/duggar_recipes/30455/homemade_liquid_laundry_soap_front_or_top_load_machine_best_value

Wonderful. So cheap. And the shit you use here can be used in making the dishwashing detergent from my first post. THE WORLD MAKES SENSE. So, here's my how to:

4 Cups - hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar (who the FUCK thought of that name???????)
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
½ Cup Borax

Grate the soap. I had a little hand grater so I sat there and watched an entire hour of Hoarders. I think it fueled my fire... I'm cleaning, what now crazy fucking Hoarders? YOU POOP IN BAGS AND I JUDGE YOU.

Okay, grate the soap and heat it with the water till its, you know, melted and shit. Mix everything else in 5 gallon bucket. Fill rest of bucket with water. Let it thicken (snicker) all night and in the morning, fill up an empty detergent bottle halfway with the now gelly funky shit and the rest with with water and shake it like a polaroid picture. Shake it, shake it, shake it.... BAM. You're done for the next 2-3 years or so. Keep doing the halfway filled and water every time you need a new thing. It makes whites whiter and shit soft as fuck. I love it. And I only ever use cold water to wash. Used it with hot a few times. Still feels the same. You will have to stir the mix every time you refill the bottle. It gets weird and gelled in the middle only. I'll post some before stirring and after stirring pics. You don't get any "making of" pics cause that's like laundry detergent having sex and its weird. Not only that I did it a year ago and am just now telling you about it. Quit judging me and go make some shit.